Words Got Stuck!

10:29 AM

It is just one of them, isn´t it? When you do actually wanna say something but don´t know how or where to start. Yes, 2015 is gone. For good. We all obviously know that. And now that I see all of these bloggers and vloggers going back and talking bout their year and how much they have done or changed it brings this weird pressure. Makes me feel like I have to write something too. Feels like I am not even being legit not recapping 2k15 and sharing my fav moments with you. That is a pressure from society, I´m telling you. But then when was I being the same as everyone else. When is last time I actually wanted to belong to this crowd?! 

But then...
The reason why I might not wanna look back is that I try not to think bout most of the passed year. I never ever want to regret anything that has happened or will happen in my life, but I am happy leaving some part of my 2015 behind.
Let me break it down.
First half of my year has been full of stress, nerves, tears and I was seriously tired as F! I worked in sales, which I would actually recommend to everyone who is brave enough. The experience is incredible. Skills you get from it are well worth having, especially if you think about having your own business one day. My customer service knowledge has changed from "none" to "bloody loads". I got to travel and meet new great people. Yeah thats true. But then I have never argued with my closest once as much as I did through those few months. I can´t remember being this close to regret ever in my life. So as happy as I am for this experience, I am also happy that I changed my mind about this whole situation. At least I still have my twinny Cady that I have met in my sales offices. I don´t want to go any deeper into this whole experience but I really never felt less like me then I did here.
I felt like I have changed which made me choosing a uni to go to, or any other institution that could help me with my future, way harder then I wanted it to be. I already felt lost after I moved to UK and this was a second breaking point. I don´t think I have ever mentioned that I was so low I thought of doing something I sort of moved away from. I wanted to move back to Slovakia and go to a University there. There would be nothing wrong with it. I love my country and my family and friends, but I gave up so much to be in the UK and use this opportunity to be better it felt insane. Oh and the fact I was thinking bout uni was crazy as well since I didn´t even want to go back to education at first. So I started with research. This actually happened in between my sales work and kept going till like June. I looked into courses, lectures, unis, colleges etc.
No job, no idea what I am going to do. And summer has come. I started going out. Me and my friend. Clubbing almost every weekend. Second time I didn´t act like myself. I am not that type of party girl. I am no diva or drinking and dancing chic. Now looking at what I wore, bought, the photos I took, clubs I´ve been to and people I surrounded myself with... Wow! Someone should have slapped my face back to reality.

I don´t want to get too emotional or soft here. Not today, but it is true that without family and especially my dad I wouldn´t probably be where I am. Also giving myself a little time through summer where I thought of who I want to be or who I am helped to clear my head. Everything I have just written down has brought me to a point where I found it. Found Myself.
Yea I found who I have always been. And that lead to discovering a college that could help me get more skills and a diploma. Also contacts, experience and help me build myself up.
So I went for enrollment, I worked at a warehouse for a while just to get some income and not just sit around waiting for miracle. And by September I became a F*cking student. Who knew I´ll be one again. I mean I thought for a while I will get back, but I was thinking Uni. I did apply to a few after all. I even got into some here in Liverpool, which is bloody awesome!
But then after I tried to make a decision I remembered of a story I kept on listening my whole childhood. This story about me comes from my nursery teacher who is still one of my favorite humans. She always kept telling me how she thought I´ll become a hairdresser. You know why? Because I´d come to nursery every morning with this amazing creation on my head out of braids and fun clips etc. And after they took it apart for a nap time they were never able to redo what I did myself. So I did my own hair. I was like five! And she kept repeating this over and over.
Then at one point when I went back to slovakia and told her what I decided to study-  she cried. She said she always knew. Maybe I should have listened to her. And many others who kept telling me to go this way.
I wouldn´t be myself and where I am today if I did tough right?!

And so I studied. At college. Hairdressing and barbering. Wow! I am actually smiling like a crazy human as I am writing this down. Can it make me this happy? I decided not to be a planner. I don´t want to plan and write down my life. Or year even. I have been winging my way through from September and opportunities I got, people I´ve met, places I´ve been... Well I´m pretty damn satisfied. And so I was finishing a year with a smile and promising to myself to just be true to who I am, not changing for anyone and winging it. That is what I do best after all.

How was your year? Was it though? It always is.
Until next time, keep safe and live your life to the fullest.
xoxo
DeniVev :*

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